Once Upon A December
by f-romanoff-13
Summary: A series of mini fics showing snippets of Natasha's past, memories from her time in the red room, which make her who she is today. Some chapters may feature trigger warnings at the beginning.
1. Learning

One evening, there was a particularly bad storm; wind and rain pounded the windows and grey clouds loomed low in the sky.

Natasha lay awake in her bed; it didn't take much to wake her up, she'd learnt long ago to sleep lightly.  
She climbed from the bed and watched Clint for a moment, he was still sound asleep under the warm blankets; she envied him a little. She wished she could crawl in beside him and just sleep, but her life had been saved on more than one occasion because she was such a light sleeper.

She went and sat by the window in the lounge, a mug of hot chocolate in her hands and a blanket draped over her shoulders. She enjoyed watching the weather; it was reassuring.

She thought back to her past; when she was six years old an older Red Room recruit had been sent to her in the middle of the night; it was a test to see how alert she was while she was asleep. It had been a particular tough day; she'd spent it swimming back and forth in freezing cold rivers, and she was exhausted.  
She hadn't heard the door open, or the quiet approach of the older girl. Natasha was dragged from her bed and beaten, left bloodied and broken on the hard cold floor. Several days later it occurred again, and again. Natasha had more broken bones than she'd had since she started her training but her brain was fast learning that she was never safe, it was never okay to let her guard down; someone could come for her at anytime and she needed to be ready. She had no one else to rely on but herself. The next time someone was sent to her room it wasn't her that was left beaten on the floor. She had passed the test.

Those who did not learn were used as target practice, and Natasha had never slept soundly since.

Yes the weather was reassuring; it was nature, nothing more sinister. No one was coming for her, not tonight.


	2. In Fire and Smoke and Ash

Natasha Romanoff did not like to celebrate her birthday; all the Avengers knew that, Clint was the only one to know why...

The last true memory Natasha had of her family; her real family, was from her birthday.  
They lived in a small, run down house in Stalingrad. It was modest and sometimes they struggled to get by, but Natasha loved it; she was happy.

Her mother was there; a small red haired lady with a warm smile, and her father too; he was a gentle man who always kind. She had an older brother and sister too; both dark haired like their father, but Natasha could no longer remember their names...

She remembers the fascination at watching the four birthday candles; she loved how the flames danced, and could have watched them for hours.  
Her brother became inpatient and blew them out for her, so she watched the four pillars of smoke swirling into nothingness instead.

Her fascination with fire quickly disappeared when she woke to the sounds of her sister shouting; there was smoke everywhere.

A man appeared at their bedroom door  
"Papa?" Natasha whispered, the smoke clouding her vision  
But it wasn't her father who had come for them, the strange man grabbed her from her bed and slammed the door behind them; trapping her sister inside. Natasha begged and pleaded with the man to go back and save her family, but he ignored her and ran from the building.

She struggled against his grip, fighting to get away from him; shouting and crying for help. She was shivering at the cold winter night, dressed in nothing but a night gown. Covered from head to foot in soot, she wept.  
"One more word Natalia and you'll be just as dead as your family" he told her harshly, placing his hand over her mouth. He pressed so hard and her throat hurt so much from the smoke that she struggled for breath and has to fight not to pass out.  
She watched helpless, as everything she had ever known and loved was taken from her in fire and smoke and ash. She was glad when she finally fell unconscious.

After all those years, the hours of programming and reprogramming; that memory had always stayed with Natasha.

She didn't celebrate her birthday anymore.


	3. Because She Could Dance

"Why me?" Natalia had asked, one evening following a training session with her handler; Ivan. She was just nine years old but showed the most potential of any recruits Ivan had ever seen.

"You doubt our choice to train you Natalia?"

"No. I just wondered what you saw in me, when I was but an infant to make you chose me above the thousands of other children you must have seen"

"I was sent to scout out potential recruits, on seeing you I had never been so certain"

"But why? What made me so special?"

"Why is this important Natalia; we don't look back, only forward"

"To know why you chose me may help me to understand why my life has followed this path, I just want to understand why I stand here, and not another"

"I saw you in your dance class, rehearsing for a show. The music cut out, a fault with the system and the rest of your class faulted; they lost their timing, stumbled and stopped, but not you. You kept your focus, you knew what you had to do and did it; determination and dedication. That's what you had. That's what you still have, and when we've finished with you that's what will make you the best assassin the world has ever known"

Natalia considered this information for a moment.  
Dancing; that's why she was here; that's why her family was dead... Because she could dance.


	4. Building Trust

Natasha finds it hard to trust people, even now.  
That was one lesson the Red Room made sure she learnt...

When she was eight years old, Ivan Petrovitch decided Natalia's 'class' was becoming too close; they were friends who helped each other, trusted each other. That had to be stopped.

An elder girl named Viktoriya was sent to train with them; she was highly skilled and the girls were suspicious as to why she was training with them. She was almost 13 and in a class way ahead of theirs.  
'An injury' they were told, and even though no one believed that excuse, another lesson they had been taught was 'don't **ever** question your superiors'

A week later when Elena fell during a drill exercise and Irina helped her up, somehow their superiors found out and they were both punished.

When Ivan learnt of the close friendship between Ana and Zoya they were forced to fight, and Ana didn't make it past that point.

Natalia was weary, it was obvious who was telling Ivan these things, but there was little they could do.  
Viktoriya informed Ivan of everything; their greatest fears and biggest weaknesses. Natalia's class went from 13 down to 7 during the time Viktoriya was with them.

Natalia was one of the last to be betrayed by Viktoriya.

The Red Room had more than a few 'inventive' ways to punish those they deemed had wronged them; starvation, isolation, confinement, electroshock therapy, water torture, beatings... Natalia would take them if she needed; she was used to them, but the one she feared was water.  
Being forced under the surface of icy cold water, and held down until her lungs burnt and her head pounded. The lack of oxygen caused her to pass out before they would pull her from the water, resuscitate her and start again. More than a few girls had died when the resuscitation attempts were unsuccessful.  
Natalia would do pretty much anything to avoid this.  
But after her stint with Natalia's class Viktoriya had noticed this; and from then on each time Natalia was to be punished, she underwent water torture.  
Natalia learnt to trust no one; they would use you, learn your secrets and sell them, trade your greatest fears for their own good. They'd do whatever it took to get ahead, and in order to survive Natalia no longer trusted.  
The 7 girls in Natalia's class were no longer friends; they couldn't have friends in the Red Room.

But then Natalia became Natasha, and an archer gave her his friendship.  
She had to trust.  
And gradually, eventually; there were a few other people she learnt to trust too.


	5. First Kill

Natasha entered the communal floor to see her five teammates sat around talking with drinks in hands, they grew silent as she approached...

"What'd I miss?" she asked, taking the seat beside Clint and tucking her bare feet under his legs to keep them warm

"We were all just talking about the first time we eached killed a man" Tony told her quickly, not noticing the look of apprehension on Bruce's and Steve's faces, or the warning glare Clint shot him

"I miss anything good?" she queried

"Nothing you wouldn't have guessed; Thor's was in some battle, Bruce's was as the Hulk, Steve's was while he was in the Army, and I'm guessing you know all about bird boys"

Natasha nodded, "And what about you?" she asked Tony

"Well I guess, if you look at the weapons I manufactured and designed since I was basically a teenager I was probably the youngest of us to kill a man... What about you Tasha? You know all ours. When was yours?"

Clint openly groaned, this was supposed to be guy's night; Pepper and Natasha had gone out with Darcy and Jane, and that was the only reason Clint had allowed this conversation to continue as long as it had. He knew this was a topic Natasha didn't like to open up about, in fact he'd bet he was possibly the only person who knew this story, it wasn't even in her shield record...

"You said the first time you killed a emman/em?" she clarified

"It doesn't have to be a man... Whoever"

emHow did Tony not sense where this was going?! How much had he had to drink exactly?/em

"I was 11"

"Oh" was all Tony could reply, his mind had caught up with everyone else's as the meaning of her words sunk in

"Natasha, you don't have to-" Tony tried to offer her a way out

"No, it's okay. Everyone else told theirs right? ... I was forced to kill a girl named Liliya. She was an eight year old girl who had failed to pass the latest test the Red Room threw at her"

Everyone was silent, but no one dared to look away

"My latest test was whether or not I could take a life, it was kill or be killed; she was my friend..." Natasha trailed off, lost in the memory

She shook slightly as Clint placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, and she smiled gratefully at him. He had heard this story before, a long time ago in Budapest; the same night he'd made a different call.

"I cried the first time I had to shoot a man" Steve whispered quietly to the group

"Me too" Bruce told them, "Once I realised what I'd done..."

"We weren't allowed to cry. Another girl from my class, Sasha; once she'd completed her first kill, she cried, and so they killed her. It was a lesson to the rest of us; emotions make you weak"

They were all staring at Natasha now, and she got the feeling she'd over shared; but it was testament to the team how much she trusted them that she told them about her past; Clint was usually the only one she felt comfortable sharing with.


	6. One More Red Page

**_This chapter has a few trigger warnings, so please don't read if you don't like the sound of them:_**

**_Though nothing is graphic, there are mentions of/allusions to: rape/non-con, miscarriage, underage, abortion, and general references to Natasha's not so nice upbringing in the Red Room. _**

* * *

"Natasha, sit down"

"Leave me alone Clint. I'm fine!"

"Either get your ass to medical, or sit down and let me look at your hand"

She sighed and dramatically sat heavily on the end of her bed

"You wanna tell me why Shield now has to pay $1,800 for a new door on that ambulance?"

"No not really"

"Nat-"

"Clint. Leave it, please"

Clint looked silently at Natasha's bloodied knuckles. Even now, hours after they'd left Brooklyn; her hand was still gushing blood. He suspected she had some broken bones, but there was no way he was convincing her to go to medical right now.

Instead he settled for bandaging up her hand and waiting for her to talk.

Too bad she never did.

"You're seriously not going to tell me what happened back there?"

"I lost my temper, I punched the closest thing to me and it didn't make me feel any better"

"I got that. Why'd you lose your temper? Come on Nat, you can tell me"

"Clint, please" she sounded desperate, and Clint almost felt bad for pushing her. But he knew something was eating her up inside, and if he didn't get her to open up; it'd consume her.

"Tasha, what happened out there?"

* * *

It wasn't a tough mission; the Avengers were called to attend to an alien infestation in Brooklyn. Several hundred slug-like aliens had come through a small portal, and although they weren't vicious; the slime they left behind was disintegrating everything; cars, buildings, the sidewalk... And they needed taking care of.  
They were easy enough to get rid of, Hulk throwing most of them back through the portal before Thor closed it with a blast from Mjolnir.

They only casualties had been because of a collapsed bridge; Clint and Natasha had gone over to help get the casualties out while the other Avengers set about helping clear up Brooklyn.  
They'd split up, and next thing Clint knew he was being called over to prevent Natasha causing anymore damage.

* * *

A few minutes of silence passed before she broke under the weight of his gaze;

"There was a woman I helped out of the wreckage. She was kind, and grateful; she told me thanks over and over and clutched my hand as she was loaded into the ambulance. She was eight and a half months pregnant and was the first to be taken to the hospital' an hour or so later the paramedics returned to take some of the others, and they told me that the baby had died. When I saw her she was all smiles, and then her world had fallen apart..."

Clint sat in silence, allowing Natasha to process her emotions as much as he needed time to figure out what had caused her outburst.  
It was sad, sure it was. But it was far from the worst they'd seen.  
There was a trigger there somewhere...

"Tasha, I don't-"

"Look Clint, there are things about me not even you know, and I'm sorry; but this is one of those things. I just, I can't. I'm sorry. But I can't"

He nodded silently, respecting her right to privacy. She knew everything there was to know about him, but her past was dark; darker still than his own, and there were just some things she wasn't ready for him to know yet.

* * *

They spent the evening talking about inconsequential things; the weather, Shield's new recruits, Tony's latest experiment...

Eventually he noticed she began to get sleepy; her eyelids began to droop and rather than joining in the conversation, she just muttered "yeah" and "umm" occasionally while he spoke.

He went to leave, but her finger's curled round his wrist; so he stayed.

Her nightmares woke him several hours later. They were worse than normal, and Clint couldn't wake her up. She trembled in his arms, sweat gleaming on her face as she writhed and lashed out; muttering in Russian and occasionally screaming.

Eventually she tore herself away from the nightmares that had held her for so long. Sitting bolt upright, she ran from Clint's grasp into the bathroom where she threw cold water on her face. Sinking to the floor to catch her breath and holding her head in her hands; she didn't react when Clint appeared by her side, wrapping his strong arm around her shaking shoulders.

"Natasha, I know you said-"

"Clint, what you're asking me about was the worst time of my life. And you know what shit I've been through; so you know it's not something I'd say lightly"

"You don't have to tell me Tasha, I just want you to know that you _can_"

"No one knows. It's not even in my shield file or my medical history... I thought I could wipe it away; forget about it and pretend it never happened. I just wanted to erase it; like they did with my memories, but it never goes away... It's always there"

She paused to wipe a few stray tears from her face before she began. This was the secret she swore she'd never tell;

"When I was fourteen, the Red Room started looking toward the 'next generation' of Black Widow operatives. How to make them stronger, smarter, more successful. They needed new ways to keep them loyal, they wanted to start training them younger... "

Clint had an awful feeling he knew where this was heading, and bile rose in his throat.

"They decided the best way to do this was to... to breed them. They chose the best from each class, and confined them each to a small room, only allowed out to participate in various training exercises. The men who worked for the Red Room, the ones who trained us, taught us, created us; they came and, and had their fun..."

Clint clenched his fists and his jaw set in anger, but he didn't interrupt.

"I fell pregnant pretty quickly. But it was a boy; they only wanted girls so they terminated the pregnancy. A few months later I was pregnant again, this time it was a girl. I miscarried at 6 months following a training accident; Ivan was furious, and the girl who injured me turned up dead three days later. The last time, I was kept in my room for the full pregnancy. And then she was born, and taken away. I never even got to see her... By that time they had bred 13 baby girls to mould and sculpt into the next Black Widow generation; the perfect little warriors. They were taken away from the Red Room base, to a new training facility I never managed to find. That was just three months before Budapest, before I met you and you gave me a new life. I thought I could find her once I was out, but when I defected they moved again; went to ground, and I lost the trail."

She was done with recounting the events of her past, the horrors she'd suffered when she was still a child herself. But Clint couldn't bring himself to speak. There were too many words... Or not enough, he wasn't quite sure. All he knew was he was angry; he wanted to make them suffer for what they'd done to her. If they weren't already dead; he'd damnwell make sure they paid.

"Clint?" her voice was worried, and he forced his eyes to meet hers. Whatever she saw in his eyes reassured her, and she rested her head on his shoulder, falling to sleep now the weight of her secret was lifted.

* * *

Clint couldn't forget what he'd learnt, and though he wouldn't ever betray Natasha's trust by telling someone else; he was desperate to track down her daughter to find out what had happened to her. Maybe it'd give Natasha some closure? Maybe it'd just give him some.

It was tough going without the know how or equipment of Shield or Tony, but he finally did it.  
Natasha's daughter was named Alina, and like her mother; was the best in her class. She was clever too, too clever. The Red Room decided she was a threat and assigned her an impossible mission in Sao Paulo. She died at age 9 after questioning her master about her mother.

Clint compiled a file on everything he could find about Alina and her short life, and gave it to Natasha almost six months after her confession. She thanked him, but never read the file. Just knowing it was there, kept safely where only she knew; having the information at hand made her feel better.  
But she didn't want to know, so Clint didn't tell her.  
Alina was just one more red page in her ledger.


End file.
